What I’ve Learned About Why Women Lose Themselves

After more than 27 years of coaching, I’ve learned that many women don’t suddenly lose their confidence, energy or sense of self. It happens gradually, while they’re busy loving, supporting and looking after everybody else.

One of the things I’ve noticed repeatedly working with women is how easy it is for them to slowly disappear from their own lives.

Not literally.

They’re still there doing an incredible amount.

Working. Raising children. Supporting a partner. Managing a home. Remembering appointments. Organising birthdays. Thinking about what everyone is eating. Helping ageing parents. Building careers. Solving problems. Being the person everybody relies on.

And somewhere amongst all of those responsibilities, the woman herself can gradually move further and further down the list.

Often, she doesn’t even notice it happening.

Until one day she does.

“I Don’t Feel Like Me Anymore”

I’ve heard different versions of this throughout my coaching career.

Sometimes it starts with her body.

She sees a photograph of herself and doesn’t recognise the woman she sees. Her clothes don’t fit the way they once did. She’s stopped training. She doesn’t feel fit or strong. She doesn’t feel sexy.

But when you talk for long enough, you often discover it isn’t really just about weight.

She misses herself.

She misses having energy. She misses getting dressed up. She misses feeling attractive. She misses being confident. She misses doing things purely because she enjoys them. She may miss being affectionate and playful with her partner. She may miss sex and intimacy.

Sometimes she can’t even remember the last time she did something purely for herself without feeling guilty about it.

That’s a very different problem from: “I need to lose five kilos.”

Becoming Mum Shouldn’t Mean Stopping Being You

Having children changes life enormously.

I have four children myself, so I understand how much family life can demand from both parents. And I also know how incredibly valuable family can be.

That’s why I’ve never liked the idea that children, partners or family responsibilities should be treated as obstacles standing between someone and their “best life.”

The people you love are part of the life.

But I’ve also watched women become so focused on being Mum that almost every other part of their identity gets pushed aside.

The training stops. Time alone disappears. Date nights disappear. She stops buying clothes for herself. She stops prioritising sleep. She stops doing things that make her feel attractive. Sex becomes less frequent. Her relationship becomes dominated by logistics.

And she tells herself: “My family comes first.”

I understand that instinct.

But I don’t believe loving your family requires continually abandoning yourself.

You can be an incredible mother and still be a woman.

A woman who trains. A woman with ambitions. A woman who looks after herself. A woman who wants to feel beautiful. A woman who enjoys being sexy. A woman who wants affection and intimacy. A woman who sometimes wants two hours where nobody needs anything from her.

Those things don’t make you less devoted to your family. They’re part of remaining connected to who you are.

Looking After Yourself Isn’t Selfish

This is one of the strongest patterns I’ve seen.

Women can feel guilty for prioritising themselves.

Training for an hour can feel selfish. Spending money on themselves can feel selfish. Going for a massage. Getting their hair done. Having time alone. Going away with friends. Going on a date with their partner and leaving the children with someone else. Even going to bed instead of finishing another household job.

But I’ve learned to ask a different question.

What version of you does your family actually get when you continually give everything away?

Exhausted? Stressed? Frustrated? Disconnected? Unhappy with your body? Running on empty?

That’s not a criticism. It’s a consequence.

Looking after yourself isn’t about caring less for everybody else. Sometimes it’s what allows you to bring more of yourself to them.

Sometimes the Body Is the Doorway Back

This is one reason I love strength training.

A woman may initially come to me because she wants to lose weight or change her body. That’s okay. We start there.

She begins training. She gets stronger. Her body starts changing. She has an appointment in the week that’s about her. She starts thinking about what she’s eating. She sleeps better because recovery suddenly matters. She buys some new training clothes. Then perhaps clothes for going out.

She notices her bum changing. Her shoulders have shape. She starts liking what she sees in the mirror again.

And something bigger can begin happening.

She’s investing in herself again.

The body transformation can become a doorway into rebuilding other parts of her life. Not because a better body magically fixes everything. But because she has started behaving like she matters too.

I Want Women to Feel Sexy Again

I don’t think we should be afraid of saying this.

I’ve learned that many women want to feel sexy. Not for Instagram. Not necessarily for strangers. Sometimes they simply want to feel sexy to themselves.

They want to put on something beautiful and enjoy how they look. They want to feel confident naked. They want to walk past the mirror and smile instead of criticising themselves.

And yes, many women want to feel desirable to their partner. They want to be looked at. Touched. Flirted with. Wanted. They want to feel like lovers as well as parents and household partners.

I don’t think that’s superficial.

Sexuality and sensuality are part of being human. A woman doesn’t stop deserving access to those parts of herself because she’s had children, turned 40 or become incredibly busy.

Relationships Can Lose Themselves Too

This doesn’t only happen to individuals.

Couples can disappear underneath life as well.

You start as two people who choose each other. You talk for hours. Touch constantly. Go places together. Have sex. Laugh. Flirt.

Then life becomes more complicated.

Eventually, conversations can become: Who’s picking up the kids? What’s for dinner? Did you pay that bill? What time is training? Can you grab milk? What are we doing this weekend?

You’re still a team. You may love each other enormously. But you’ve become extremely good at running the business of family life.

Sometimes the relationship needs the same thing the individual does: deliberate attention.

Finding Yourself Doesn’t Mean Reinventing Yourself

I don’t think women necessarily need to “find a new you.” Sometimes that creates even more pressure.

I think it’s often about reconnecting with parts of yourself that haven’t been receiving enough attention.

Maybe you start training again. Maybe you book the hair appointment. Maybe you organise the date. Maybe you ask your partner for more affection. Maybe you go away with your girlfriends. Maybe you create a bedtime. Maybe you set a boundary at work. Maybe you buy the dress. Maybe you make time for sex. Maybe you spend an hour completely alone.

Maybe you finally admit: “I matter too.”

Small behaviours can begin changing how you experience your entire life.

This Is Why the Sweet Spot Is Bigger Than Fitness

If all I cared about was someone’s body, coaching would be much simpler.

Train. Eat appropriately. Recover. Repeat.

But people don’t live inside spreadsheets.

A woman can have a fantastic training program and still be miserable. She can reach her goal weight and still dislike herself. She can look incredible and have a relationship that’s falling apart. She can have a successful career and be completely exhausted. She can have a beautiful family and still feel like something inside her is missing.

That’s why the SWEET Method™ looks at more than exercise.

Strength. Wellness. Embodiment. Empowerment. Turn-On.

The body. Nutrition and recovery. Confidence and identity. Behaviour and boundaries. Relationships, sexuality, intimacy and feeling alive.

Because they’re not five separate lives. They’re one woman.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that women don’t always need permission to do more.

Sometimes they need permission to stop giving all of themselves away.

To care about their body. To care about how they look. To care about their sleep. To care about their relationship. To care about sex. To care about their ambitions. To care about their happiness. To care about themselves.

The goal isn’t to become selfish. And it certainly isn’t to build a life that excludes your partner or children. It’s almost the opposite.

I want women to build themselves into the life they already love.

Be Mum. Be a partner. Build the career. Love your family fiercely.

But train. Look after yourself. Wear the dress. Build the body. Go on dates. Have sex. Laugh. Rest. Have ambitions. Do things simply because they make you happy.

And don’t feel guilty because some part of your life belongs to you.

Because perhaps the goal isn’t actually to “find yourself” again.

It’s to stop leaving yourself behind.

That’s your Sweet Spot.

Live in yours.

Science • Simplicity • Consistency